I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
