tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
