If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
