I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Is Oprah even human
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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