Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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