Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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