he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
