You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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