"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
