it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
