There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
