I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
