sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
