omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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