turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
