She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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