I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
