We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
