I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
