my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
