THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
