He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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