dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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