ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
