nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Found your dick twin last night
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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