I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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