I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
