Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
