i wish there were pregnant emoticons
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I will pee on everything he values.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i think my cat just said my name.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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