Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
