Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I cannot find my penis.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
