im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
