Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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