I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
