Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
