I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He passed out mid-signature
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I could fuck to npr.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
