I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
