Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
