apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
