Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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