im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I did not marry a roomba.
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