Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
