I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
