so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Randomize
