I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Randomize
