Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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