u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
