if i died would you start the facebook group?
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
