just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
