She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Randomize
