i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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