3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
