We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
