Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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