I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize