he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
