I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize