I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
