I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
it's like heaven, but drunker
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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