The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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