I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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