You smell like a Billy Joel song
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
