my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
