She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
